my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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