I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
