So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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