we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
