Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize