im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I died a long time ago.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
