roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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