A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
