Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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