dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
