The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
