dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
