I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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