I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
