i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
