puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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