Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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