you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Two words: blizzard sex
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
