i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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