I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
