did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
