I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
