New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We left an ass print on the piano.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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