seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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