I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
