I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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