I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The air was thick with penises
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize