So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
