he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
