I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
