and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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