Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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