An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
