alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
