you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Pooping to opera.
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