Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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