The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
