did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
