Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize