I just made out with a guy for $7.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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