i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i think im in europe. pls send help
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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