I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
