if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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