I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
