I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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