If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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