You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
