some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
