After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
