I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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