with your own penis?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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