youre lurking in front of me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
