Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
