Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
