Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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