i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
