my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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