I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
