I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
