The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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