when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
