My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
