What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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