quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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